The Dark Place

I wrote this a few nights ago, late, as I was trying to sleep. I've found myself having a lot of trouble turning my mind off at night, these days. There are just so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind.

As we reach a climax in our life, and we approach the edge of not being able to pay our bills and possibly losing our house, I find a lot of people asking me how I'm able to stay so positive. The truth is, I'm not always positive. In fact, there are days where I have to use all my strength to fight back the bitterness and rage. Some days, the bitterness wins.

This passage is about those moments, where I do my best not to let the darkness in...

The Dark Place


There's a dark place inside my mind, but I dare not go there.

I must not go there.

It's in the dark place that I allow myself to embrace the anger and the bitterness.

Why did God let me lose my job? Why has God not provided a new and real source of income? Why do I tuck my tail and hang my head in shame, taking handouts and "God bless yous," while evil men are made to look like heroes in newspaper articles?

Where is the justice? Why have I gone unavenged?

These are the questions that I ask in the dark place, but I dare not go there.

I must not go there.

I want to forgive those who have deeply wounded me. I want to smile and say thank you to Jesus for His mercy and grace, and for the provisions we do have.

I want to watch my perfect wife as she sleeps, and to look past her and see my perfect baby boy, sleeping, on the baby monitor, and to weep with gratitude that I have them in my life.

But I feel my heart growing hard. And I remember that my perfect wife and baby boy have gone without.

I...have gone without.

What if I lose my house? MY HOUSE! This was what I worked my whole life for, and yet, it seems my dream is crumbling, right before my very eyes!

Those are the ghosts that haunt me in the dark place. But I dare not go there.

I must not go there.

But I tiptoe closer to the boundary, daily. I toy with the idea of letting my guard down and allowing the darkness to enter in, just for a moment.

My heart races from the emotions I'm feeling. A deep and quiet rage stirs below the surface. You can't see it, but it's there. It never leaves me, nor does it forsake me.

I want to stop passersby and scream into their faces that it isn't fair.

I want to fire off violent rounds into the air, so that the sky might feel my wrath.

I want to run until my lungs exhaust and curse the air as it betrays me too.

Those are the desires and whims of the dark place. But I dare not go there.

I must not go there.