A couple of months ago, Kim and I made a very difficult decision.
I'd just been laid off from my teaching job. We had a baby on the way. We had a mortgage payment to make every month.
Kim worked, but she hated her job, and I hated that she hated it. I wished she could quit. So did she. Kim has always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted that too, but it always felt so far away.
Our dream scenario was one where I could work for myself at home and be able to make enough money in that endeavor, so that Kim could stay home and be able to focus on being a mom.
So, against popular opinion, we did something bold and decided that I would start a graphic design business out of our home, and Kim would just focus on mothering. She would quit her job, and I would design websites.
For the first two months, things were going great. I was still getting paychecks from teaching, because I was paid on a twelve-months schedule. We had a pretty decent amount in savings. To boot, I was getting graphic work, left and right. It seemed like it would continue forever.
But then it didn't.
When it rains it pours. Bad things come in threes. You hear those sort of cliche "isms" all the time, and there's a lot of truth to them. At least, it feels that way.
It all happened at the same time. The work stopped coming in. Aidan was born. We got home from the hospital and our entire world was turned upside down as we tried to figure out how in the world we were supposed to raise this little guy and carry on with any kind of regular lives.
In the middle of this hurricane of humanity, I was (and still am) trying to figure out how to give my business a kick in the pants, while I figured out how to be a father and a supporting husband to my wife who needed me more than ever.
It all culminated to a boiling point yesterday. I was sitting in my basement, trying to come up with marketing ideas, and I just felt like a total failure. I felt like I was an idiot for taking this risk. I felt like I would have been better off if I'd just sucked it up and applied for another school job or delivered pizzas, just so we could have been padding our stacks.
And in the middle of my regret and self-loathing, I took a break to head out to the deck and grill some burgers for dinner. It was a nice mental vacation from the utter crap that had been running through my mind for the last few hours.
As I was standing there, exhibiting my prowess as a master chef, I looked out on our backyard and started to think about a part of the yard that would be awesome for an in-ground swimming pool. I envisioned where the surrounding fence would be, how a deck would look next to it -- the whole deal.
Then I stopped myself.
"What are you doing, idiot? You don't even know where your next job is going to come from. You might not even get to keep this house. And you're out here daydreaming about a luxurious pool?? What's wrong with you?!"
And I stopped. I let the voices win, and I went back to cooking my burgers, humbled completely.
Later, when I came inside, I had a very different conversation with myself. (I talk to myself a lot. I know. I'm a crazy person.)
In this second mental chat, I got a little fired up, and here's why: I'm not going to stop dreaming. I'm not going to let my circumstances dictate my ability to imagine and aspire to do great things.
And you shouldn't either.
I don't know where my next job is going to come from. I don't know if I'm going to have to give up on my business, or at least, just put it on hold. I might have to get some 9 to 5 job that I hate, just to make ends meet. I'm not sure about any of that, but here's what I'm sure of.
I'm going to figure out how to be a father. I'm going to learn to manage my time better. I'm not going to stop dreaming, and dammit, I'm going to have a pool in my backyard, one day.
I'm sorry for saying dammit.
Listen, I'm serious. Don't you dare stop dreaming. That's when you die. That's when it's over. We all wake up and we face our giants. For you, that giant might be named "debt." It might be named "depression." It might be named any number of things that currently make you feel like a failure.
But don't you DARE stop dreaming.
It's good to have goals. Write some things down tat you want to accomplish by the end of this year. Make them reasonable. Write another list of things you want to accomplish within the next 5, 10 and 20 years. Then, just do them.
We're not here for that long, people. Live!!!!
What do you want to accomplish within the next 5, 10, 20 years?
It all happened at the same time. The work stopped coming in. Aidan was born. We got home from the hospital and our entire world was turned upside down as we tried to figure out how in the world we were supposed to raise this little guy and carry on with any kind of regular lives.
In the middle of this hurricane of humanity, I was (and still am) trying to figure out how to give my business a kick in the pants, while I figured out how to be a father and a supporting husband to my wife who needed me more than ever.
It all culminated to a boiling point yesterday. I was sitting in my basement, trying to come up with marketing ideas, and I just felt like a total failure. I felt like I was an idiot for taking this risk. I felt like I would have been better off if I'd just sucked it up and applied for another school job or delivered pizzas, just so we could have been padding our stacks.
And in the middle of my regret and self-loathing, I took a break to head out to the deck and grill some burgers for dinner. It was a nice mental vacation from the utter crap that had been running through my mind for the last few hours.
As I was standing there, exhibiting my prowess as a master chef, I looked out on our backyard and started to think about a part of the yard that would be awesome for an in-ground swimming pool. I envisioned where the surrounding fence would be, how a deck would look next to it -- the whole deal.
Then I stopped myself.
"What are you doing, idiot? You don't even know where your next job is going to come from. You might not even get to keep this house. And you're out here daydreaming about a luxurious pool?? What's wrong with you?!"
And I stopped. I let the voices win, and I went back to cooking my burgers, humbled completely.
Later, when I came inside, I had a very different conversation with myself. (I talk to myself a lot. I know. I'm a crazy person.)
In this second mental chat, I got a little fired up, and here's why: I'm not going to stop dreaming. I'm not going to let my circumstances dictate my ability to imagine and aspire to do great things.
And you shouldn't either.
I don't know where my next job is going to come from. I don't know if I'm going to have to give up on my business, or at least, just put it on hold. I might have to get some 9 to 5 job that I hate, just to make ends meet. I'm not sure about any of that, but here's what I'm sure of.
I'm going to figure out how to be a father. I'm going to learn to manage my time better. I'm not going to stop dreaming, and dammit, I'm going to have a pool in my backyard, one day.
I'm sorry for saying dammit.
Listen, I'm serious. Don't you dare stop dreaming. That's when you die. That's when it's over. We all wake up and we face our giants. For you, that giant might be named "debt." It might be named "depression." It might be named any number of things that currently make you feel like a failure.
But don't you DARE stop dreaming.
It's good to have goals. Write some things down tat you want to accomplish by the end of this year. Make them reasonable. Write another list of things you want to accomplish within the next 5, 10 and 20 years. Then, just do them.
We're not here for that long, people. Live!!!!
What do you want to accomplish within the next 5, 10, 20 years?
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