A real friend is someone who will tell you when you have a booger hanging out of your nose.
It's true, but sometimes, even our real friends don't have the heart to be honest with us about our serious character flaws.
Maybe you've suspected it. You feel it, deep down. You think you're a pretty decent dude or dudette, but there's just this voice that asks a question from within your consciousness:
"Am I a jerk?"
No worries. I've got ya covered. After the jump, I've got the full guide with in-depth analysis that will help you figure out if you are, indeed, a jerk.
Check it out:
Do you ever drive in the left lane, when there's another lane available, going the exact speed limit or less than the speed limit?
When someone tries to pass you, do you speed up so they can't get around you?
Do you ever change lanes, get in front of someone and then slow down, immediately after getting in front of them?
When your driving or parked in a parking lot, do you play your music loudly enough that other people can't even hear the music in their own car?
If any of these things are true, I'm sorry. I have bad news.
You just might be a jerk.
When you're shopping in a grocery or department store, do you ever leave your cart angled in the middle of the aisle so that no one can get through?
Do you come out of aisles without hesitating, coming dangerously close to hitting other people with your cart, then looking at them incredulously for being offended?
Do you get in the express lane with more than 15 to 20 items (depending on the store)?
When you get to the register, do you split your items up into multiple "orders" so that you can pay for them each separately with different methods of payment.
If these are things that are true of you, I hate to break it to you.
You just might be a jerk.
Do you bring your young children to public places they have no business being? When you get there, do you let them run around, act up loudly and do pretty much whatever they want?
If you place "not hurting your kids' feelings" over teaching them discipline and "not annoying everyone else in the world," I bring sad tidings.
You just might be a jerk.
Do you talk during movies?
You might be a jerk.
Do you make plans with friends on a regular basis, only to cancel on them, last second?
Jerk city. Population: You.
Do you brag about your iPhone and try to make people with Android phones feel inferior?
Caribbean JERK Chicken!
Do you read blog posts that you thoroughly enjoy and then NOT leave a comment?
Jerk, jerk, jerkity, jerk, jerk!
(Just kidding about that last one -- sort of.)
In all seriousness, it's not too late for you. I'm here to help. This all may come as a shock to you, but I assure you: It's all in love! :)
Care to add to the list? Bring it on!
Does this count as proof that I am not a jerk? :p Thanks for the laugh.
ReplyDeleteDo you zoom through empty parking spaces just to get a better parking space before someone else?
ReplyDeleteI have done some of these things. Hopefully, I'm not quite the jerk I used to be.
Do you pull out of your driveway or a parking lot in front of someone and then poke along? You just might be a jerk.
ReplyDeleteDo you put someone down just to make yourself look bigger? Then you must might be a jerk.
Ohhhh soooooooooo many.
The term Jerk has changes since the 80's. Watch a movie in the 80's and jerk meant idiot. Case in point the movie called the Jerk, Goonies they call Chunk a jerk, and Marty uses it in Back to the Future. That's just something that I've picked up on while watching movies.
ReplyDeleteYes. Yes it does. Commenting on TheIsleofMan automatically washes your jerky-ness away. It's science. :)
ReplyDeleteGood one Larry. People who battle for parking spaces definitely might be jerks! :) Glad you are in recovery. Admitting the problem is step #1.
ReplyDeleteAlso good additions, Bill. How about people who use the last of the toilet paper and don't change the roll? :)
ReplyDeleteThat's a very analytical take on the issue Shep. ha.
ReplyDeleteSubsequently, Steve Martin's "The Jerk" is one of the funniest movies ever made.
You're rationalizing my friend. :)
ReplyDeleteHmm you know me so well...just kidding..great list!
ReplyDeleteHa. Was that YOU that cut me off?? :)
ReplyDeleteI better not comment on that one since I have lived with someone for 38+ years who does that. :)
ReplyDeleteThere used to be a song called "Cool Jerk."
ReplyDeleteSadly I've been a jerk of the driving variety as it comes to speeding up to people who DARE pass me.
ReplyDeleteAt least I don't block grocery cart aisles.
I am happy to report that I do NONE of these things. Honest. I am about the nicest person you will ever meet. But sadly, because of this, I am a jerk magnet.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Lots of jerks out there. The left-lane thing is a pet peeve of mine. Also, I experienced the "children" just this weekend. Some insane parent was letting her four children run around wild at a track meet....inside the oval and near the shot put. Maybe if one of her kids gets hit with a 12 pound iron ball she will take notice.
ReplyDeleteNot too late to change my man. Just remember, there's a reason why people are passing you. ha.
ReplyDeleteGood job on being a cool person! :)
ReplyDeleteYo Vac. I hear you man. It's unreal. People just let their kids run a muck. Insane.
ReplyDeleteA jerk: someone who comments on your blog post for the sole purpose of promoting his own, entirely unrelated blog post, like the one I posted this morning at http://wp.me/p20z3H-fl
ReplyDeleteLet me ask my wife about this... Never mind, better not.
ReplyDelete;-)
I can't believe I missed this! I have driven in the left lane and kept to the speed limit. But only because I was passing someone who was going S-L-O-W-L-Y. Maybe I'm only a provisional jerk?
ReplyDeleteI believe being a regular commenter at The Isle of Man may get you off the hook...just this once. :)
ReplyDeleteIt may be too early for me to come up with one, but I didn't want to not leave a comment. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am currently typing this reply on my iPhone. It's capabilities are tremendous. In fact, it's awesome.
ReplyDeleteI see what you did there.
ReplyDeleteGot it. Come back later when your brain is warm and make a contribution that is more "Larry-like." :)
ReplyDeletethere's always that person that ignores the lane merge signs for 2 or 3 miles and forces their way into the lane from the shoulder... Or "has to back in guy" in parking lots when there are plenty of spaces. Does he really have to fake you out and make you think you're getting the space he just passed?
ReplyDeleteMatt, your comment had me chuckling my friend. Both suggestions are fantastic additions to the list. Those guys are also, without a doubt, jerks. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI get entirely too much pleasure out calling people out... I think that makes me a jerk. :-o
ReplyDelete