New Year's Resolutions for People Who Aren't Me

It's that time of the year again.

The time where we lament all the things we failed to do, and we make new promises to ourselves, in the hope that we will be motivated towards greatness.

I'm gonna level with you. I have no intention of making New Year's Resolutions. I won't keep them, and you'll just resent me for being dishonest.

So, I spiced things up a little bit and decided to come up with resolutions for famous people. To make things even spicier, I brought in some of my favorite people from the internet to help me.

Thanks to Tyler Tarver, Ricky Anderson, Chad Jones, Leanne Shirtliffe, and my brother Stephen ("The Bearded Idealist" himself) for helping out.

I hope you enjoy it. If you don't, I'm gonna be honest, there's probably something wrong with you.

Here we go:

Tim Tebow: 

Tarver - Be just like everybody else so that he's not ridiculed for being unorthodox like Martin Luther. 

Ricky - Spend longer than a year at a job.

Chad - Resolves to actually become relevant to football, or practice throwing. One of the two.

Leanne - Look for Bible verses that relate to completing a pass.

Stephen - Find Merril Hoge and give him a piece of your mind, Tebow style (with the laying on of hands, of course).

Mitt Romney: 

Tarver - Stop losing elections for jobs that pay 2.5% of his normal job...or...Have his strings cut off.

Ricky - Learn how to smile.

Chad - Resolves to donate his body to science for display with the "Body Worlds" exhibit. Discovers that he needs absolutely no plastination.

Leanne - Recycle his binders and start using Evernote.

Stephen - Try running for something again, this time under the slogan: "That's right, I said I'm Mormon... No, the show Big Love does not paint an accurate depiction of how I want to run the country."

Honey Boo Boo: 

Tarver -  Be less obnoxious than at least Snooki.

Ricky - Who?

Chad - Resolves to take her family's beloved Ketchup "Sketti" sauce recipe global.

Leanne - Memorize the phone number for Child and Family Services.

Stephen - Go "Honey Bye Bye" and let us get back to watching more enlightening shows, like Cougartown.

Taylor Swift: 

Tarver - Have a breakup song written about herself. 

Ricky - Something dating or music related.

Chad - At long last, she resolves to stop talking, singing, and writing about past relationships. Fans say say "We are never ever ever getting back together."

Leanne - 

Stephen -  Star in a Hollywood blockbuster with Kanye West, where, in an ironic twist of fate, they have to switch bodies (Freaky Friday style) and perform each other's hit songs at the Grammys.

Lil Wayne: 

Tarver - Learn at least 3 new vocabulary words.

Ricky - Grow up?

Chad - Resolves to at least try to stay out of jail. Maybe.

Leanne -

Stephen - Create a new line of children's educational products called, "Lil Braynes."

Justin Bieber: 

Tarver - "Who cares, I'm rich and chicks love me."

Ricky - Get a buzzcut before he turns into Donald Trump.

Chad - He resolves, in light of his recent breakup with Selena Gomez, to grow out his emo bangs, and turn gangster rapper.

Leanne - Teach Mitt Romney about binders full of women.

Stephen - Stop making the rest of us white dudes look bad... and teach me how to robot dance like you.

Donald Trump: 

Tarver - Convince one person to like him.

Ricky - Turn into Justin Bieber.

Chad - He resolves to give up his atrocious comb-over, and to embrace his baldness. Not really. Psych. "You're fired!"

Leanne - Stay away from Twitter.

Stephen - Start doing PSAs for premature balding and the appeal of the comb-over.

Oprah: 

Tarver - Get 4 viewers on her new network.

Ricky - Give an island to every poor person she meets onstage.

Chad - Oprah resolves to OWN the world. And finally tie the knot with Stedman Graham.

Leanne - Spread her feel-good empire to the International Space Station.

Stephen - Start a TV network that only features shows that nobody wants to watch. Oh wait...

Kim  Kardashian: 

Tarver - Like, totally, um, like do something like good and stuff. Maybe get her GED. I dunno, there are a world of possibilities.

Ricky - Who?

Chad - Resolves to finally, once and for all, do something noteworthy. Not.

Leanne - Expand her "league" of suitors by dating NHL players.

Stephen - Figure out how to get linked up with Oprah's new TV network.

Kristen Stewart: 

Tarver - Learn to talk to humans.

Ricky - Try to film a scene without looking like the lines make her want to vomit.

Chad - Finally agrees that she can't, in fact, act, and in a stunning stroke of business acumen, licenses her likeness to Hollywood. All parts credited to Kristen Stewart are now actually played by Andy Serkis (Gollum) in a mocap suit. Serkis, unlike Stewart, can actually emote.

Leanne - Hang out with actors who are not a "pain in the neck."

Stephen - Start a new trendy Movie genre that, instead of vampires/werewolves, featuring insomniacs whose only means of sleep comes by way of watching action/romance chick-flicks that their wives coerced them into watching.

Wanna play?