If you're seeing this post, I'm either at the hospital with Kim or recovering from the birth process of our son Aidan Robert Haggerty.
Today's guest post is brought to you by Knox McCoy of KnoxMcCoy.com. Knox also writes for and runs and excellent TV-themed blog called TV Asylum. As if that wasn't enough, Mr. McCoy also is part of a brilliant podcast called "The Courtesy Laugh." He's the author of "Jesus and the Bachelorette," and I'm fortunate to count him as a friend of mine.
Check out his blog HERE. Follow him on Twitter HERE.
Enjoy!
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| Photo used courtesy of Creative Commons user Pop Culture Geek |
So Kevin, your wife is with child. That's just the best. It's great. Being a parent is the best thing you'll ever do and you'll do that thing after your kid is six months old where you say, "What did we do before they were born?" And it's not a sarcastic thing. You literally won't know because of sleep deprivation, worry, concern and the rhythmically stupefying music attached to children's programming. All of those things conspire together to melt your brain. If it's working at 80% now, it will be working at 45% after the birth BEST CASE SCENARIO.
You'll answer questions like, "Do you want salt or pepper?" and you'll say strange things like, "Genghis Khan" or something. It's a strange time. It's great, but it's strange.
One Sunday night, I swear, my wife and I turned on a Praise Baby DVD because it was like cat nip to our son but in a calming way (That was a terrible example wasn't it?) and next thing I know, I'm at work and it's Wednesday and I'm talking to a customer about how dinosaur fossils were being faked or something. I felt like I was in The Hangover but for new parents. (That was another terrible analogy wasn't it? It totally doesn't work because I didn't lose anyone and we didn't steal a cop car and there wasn't a nude Asian man running about.)
BUT THE POINT REMAINS. Everyone says "Sleep while you can!" and you know what I say to that? Dumb. Why do that? You are going to soften your brain up and make it lazy and soft like a flower who sits on its flower bed and eats cheetos (Now that one wasn't awful. It was a little punny, but you've read worse, right?) and then when the baby is here, your brain is going to be fat and happy from all that sleep and it will be the worst.
Stuffing your brain with sleep is essentially like fattening it up for slaughter. Do the contestants on The Biggest Loser go to a huge buffet in the first episode before training? I'm asking. I've never seen it but I feel like they don't because no one really loves watching fat people eat at buffets, right? I'm sorry. I'm rambling. My point? Make your brain like Rambo, Kevin. RAMBO.
KNOX'S 3 TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE YOUR BRAIN LIKE RAMBO
1. Leading up to the birth, just download a shrieking ringtone and randomly schedule it to go off three times a night.
By the time the baby is here, you will sleep like you are a member of the Spetznaz: pacifier in one hand, bottle in the other and a disdain for yawning.
2. Have your wife carry a spray bottle around filled with a noxious concoction of expired milk, vinegar and doodoo water.
Intermittenly, have her spray it on your chest and/or shoulder blades (frequent baby burping areas). By the time the baby arrives, you will be dodging streams of spit up like Neo in The Matrix.
3. Have a go bag stashed in your car and somewhere in the house at all times.
Invariably, you will realize you don't have anymore wipes/diapers, or you have them, but you have no idea where and finding them while a baby is crying is like finding a needle in haystack made of hay that looks like needles while the horse is shrieking in your ear.
Do these things and maybe you'll be able to remember what life was like before your baby was born. But it really won't matter because you won't care anymore. All that stuff will seem trivial in comparison to your life now. And that's a great thing.
You'll answer questions like, "Do you want salt or pepper?" and you'll say strange things like, "Genghis Khan" or something. It's a strange time. It's great, but it's strange.
One Sunday night, I swear, my wife and I turned on a Praise Baby DVD because it was like cat nip to our son but in a calming way (That was a terrible example wasn't it?) and next thing I know, I'm at work and it's Wednesday and I'm talking to a customer about how dinosaur fossils were being faked or something. I felt like I was in The Hangover but for new parents. (That was another terrible analogy wasn't it? It totally doesn't work because I didn't lose anyone and we didn't steal a cop car and there wasn't a nude Asian man running about.)
BUT THE POINT REMAINS. Everyone says "Sleep while you can!" and you know what I say to that? Dumb. Why do that? You are going to soften your brain up and make it lazy and soft like a flower who sits on its flower bed and eats cheetos (Now that one wasn't awful. It was a little punny, but you've read worse, right?) and then when the baby is here, your brain is going to be fat and happy from all that sleep and it will be the worst.
Stuffing your brain with sleep is essentially like fattening it up for slaughter. Do the contestants on The Biggest Loser go to a huge buffet in the first episode before training? I'm asking. I've never seen it but I feel like they don't because no one really loves watching fat people eat at buffets, right? I'm sorry. I'm rambling. My point? Make your brain like Rambo, Kevin. RAMBO.
KNOX'S 3 TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE YOUR BRAIN LIKE RAMBO
1. Leading up to the birth, just download a shrieking ringtone and randomly schedule it to go off three times a night.
By the time the baby is here, you will sleep like you are a member of the Spetznaz: pacifier in one hand, bottle in the other and a disdain for yawning.
2. Have your wife carry a spray bottle around filled with a noxious concoction of expired milk, vinegar and doodoo water.
Intermittenly, have her spray it on your chest and/or shoulder blades (frequent baby burping areas). By the time the baby arrives, you will be dodging streams of spit up like Neo in The Matrix.
3. Have a go bag stashed in your car and somewhere in the house at all times.
Invariably, you will realize you don't have anymore wipes/diapers, or you have them, but you have no idea where and finding them while a baby is crying is like finding a needle in haystack made of hay that looks like needles while the horse is shrieking in your ear.
Do these things and maybe you'll be able to remember what life was like before your baby was born. But it really won't matter because you won't care anymore. All that stuff will seem trivial in comparison to your life now. And that's a great thing.
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