A Letter to My Two-Year-Old Self

Recently, I've noticed a trend in the blogging community. Nostalgic posts are all the rave. Namely, I've seen several friends of mine who have written letters to previous and younger versions of themselves.

My buddy Leanne wrote an awesome post called: "To My 20-Year-Old Self: Sometimes It’s Better to be Single." You should check it out. It's awesome.

The idea behind this post (and others like it), is that if we could just instill some wisdom in our younger selves, perhaps we could have avoided some really painful mistakes.

Also, these fictitious conversations can be helpful for people who haven't yet gone through those kind of struggles. If you're twenty(ish) and you read Leanne's post, it may help you avoid some of the pitfalls she was unable to see.

But it all got me thinking. What if I went back even earlier. Shoot. If I can create a fake blog time machine, I can go back as far as I want, right?

So I'm going back. Way back.

This is a letter to my two-year-old self:

Hey Little Kev,

What's up guy? You talkin' yet? Apparently, you're reading, and that is just fantastic.

So, listen. I'll cut to the chase. I'm you. I'm just older. I'm married now and have a house of my own. My wife and I even have a kid on the way. It's crazy.

The point of this letter is to give you the down low on some things you can expect to see in the near and also distant future. I hope it will help you stay out of trouble.

First off, you were never really a thumbsucker. That's cool, but if I recall, you did hang on to that "blankie" a little longer than necessary. You're a big kid now. Ditch it. You'll thank me later.

Pretty soon, you're gonna figure out that girls have cooties. Later in life, people will tell you that that isn't true. This revelation, combined with an awful act of sorcery called "puberty," will make you second guess the whole "cooty theory."

Don't do that.

Here's the real truth. Girls totally DO have cooties. These cooties make girls crazy. Totally, out of their mind crazy. It makes them unsure of who they are and what they want in life and in a relationship. One day, they will be all over you. The next, they will want to take a break. It's not them talking. It's the cooties.

The good news is that the cooties go away when they turn 25. Give it time. Do a few laps. Come back and try again. Trust me on this one.

Are you going on the "big boy toilet" yet? You really need to be. It's pretty awesome. I know going in your pants seems like it's more convenient. You've even got a full-time diaper changer. But sitting in your own filth is just a little beneath you (both metaphorically and literally). Step your game up. Have a seat.

As it currently stands, when you get older, you're gonna be a little bit chubby. It's not the end of the world, and believe it or not, you will somehow manage to land a hot wife, despite this setback.

But I'm gonna be real with you. Constantly battling your weight is a real pain. Start doing some baby sit-ups every now and then. If you have a choice between carrots and chicken nuggets, opt for the orange stuff. It's gross, but if you learn to like it now, we'll be better off later.

When you're six years old, you're going to represent your class in a Spelling Bee. As it currently stands, you will finish in third place, because you will be too casual with your spelling of the word "think." The moderator is going to pronounce the word too quickly. You'll mishear it and think he said "thing." This will cause an embarrassing event, wherein you are disqualified and do not go on to win the gold.

Take your time. Ask him to repeat himself. Win the gold. Beat the little Indian girl who totally would have ended up rubbing it in if she had beaten you.

Do a little dance afterwards. Maybe you'll get on ESPN.

Last year, a company called "Apple, Inc." started being publicly traded. You're two, so I'm not sure how you're gonna pull this off, but seriously, you need to buy a few shares.

Everyone's going to make fun of you, but it's cool. In twenty years, you can go back and ask them how their IBM investment worked out. (Spoiler alert: It didn't)

Go out and get the chickenpox ASAP. It's awful, but the sooner you get it over with, the better.

Eat as much candy as you want for the next few years. You're gonna lose those teeth anyway. Party on.

Professional hockey isn't in your future. Sorry bud.

Santa isn't real, but keep the fact that you know that under your cap. As soon as Mom and Dad know you've figured it out, you're gonna get less presents. Ignorance is bliss.

The Easter Bunny isn't real either, but you knew that, didn't you?

Finally, start pursuing your dream sooner. Waste as little time as possible on "day jobs" that take care of the temporary. Live at home as long as you can. Don't get credit cards. Pay things off on time. Buy used. Save.

And for goodness sake, don't let your mother keep giving you a "bowl cut." You look ridiculous in all your family pictures.

See you in the future!