This past weekend, I sought to prove that I am the world's most loving uncle by setting foot in an establishment I would otherwise never go: Chuck E. Cheese's.
It was my nephew's second birthday and it was here that my brother and his wife decided to throw the lavished shindig.
No big deal. We would stop by, make an appearance, drop off our present and then hit the road.
I wish.
Before last Saturday, I hadn't been to Chuck E. Cheese's since I was a small child. I found out all kinds of things I either did not know in the first place or had blacked out through trauma.
Here's what I learned:
- They know you're either there with kids or for somebody else's. It's unlikely you're not going to eat, so they realize they've really got you in a vice grip. Kim and I got a pizza and split it, as well as a fountain drink for each of us. We ended up spending $25. Are you kidding me? For us, that'd be a decent date night. And I gotta tell ya, the management at Chuck E. Cheese's and I have different ideas of what $25 pizza should taste like.
- Other people's kids are animals. It's an epidemic that gets worse and worse as people get more and more selfish and refuse to discipline their children. For about 30 minutes, I took my nephew around the "games area" and helped him play some video games and ride some rides. I was appalled to see how many times a kid would just blatantly jump in front of us or push another kid out of the way, all the while their parents standing idly by and sheepishly doing nothing. Unreal. There were several times I was tempted to grab one of them by the ear and "instruct" them in the way they should go.
- Which brings me to my next point. Modern parents are the worst. A brand new era of "progressive" thinking mothers and fathers are in the process of absolutely ruining kids and raising them up to be self-absorbed jerks. You're not doing them any favors. They won't like you more or think you're cool. They'll just walk all over you and resent you later. They don't need you to be friends with them. They need you to be their parents.
During the party, several people told Kim and me: "Just wait till you have kids. You'll be here all the time!" Really? People underestimate me and my ability to say "no." I've gotten really good at it over the years. I haven't even hit my prime yet. My peak years of naysaying are ahead of me.
I won't be back to Chuck E. Cheese's for a while, I promise you that. Unless it's to burn it down because God tells me to do it, in a dream. It's not outside the question. It could happen.
When was the last time you went to Chuck E. Cheese's? Care to share about the experience?
