New Year's Resolutions: Celebrity Edition

Today is New Year's Eve. Every blog and his brother (Do blog's have siblings? If not, they should.) is posting an article about what the respective author's New Year's resolutions are for the upcoming year.

Me? I'm gonna pass. I'm not that important. Who cares about my resolutions?

Instead, I decided to take a stab at what the resolutions should be for some key celebrities.

Just for giggles.

KIM KARDASHIAN

Resolutions: Don't get married. Wear a higher SPF sunscreen. Stop talking.

2011 was tough for America's top "person who is famous for no reason." She married NBA basketball player Kris Humphries, a man she barely knew. After ten weeks of wedded bliss, the two called it quits. I, for one, was hugely surprised. Who saw that coming?

Kimmers (It's cool if I call you Kimmers, right?): Sit a few plays out. Focus on your...or your...or maybe...

What is it you do again?

Whatever it is, focus on that. Find out who you are as a person. Find your center. Just make sure he doesn't play for a pro basketball team.

CHARLIE SHEEN

Resolutions: Stay away from recreational drugs, loose women and webcams.

Look, he's not "winning." He wasn't at any point in 2011. Two and a Half Men was a Godsend for Sheen. It was a boring, not-that-funny, run-of-the-mill, sitcom with a laugh track. All he had to do was show up, quote his handful of "zany" one-liners and stay reasonably sober. 

In 2011, Sheen rode a roller coaster that saw him be wildly popular as a TV star, get fired from his job, become a Twitter "Trending Topic," get re-hired...only to be fired again and replaced by Ashton Kutcher. Honestly. Is there anything more embarrassing than being replaced by Ashton Kutcher?

And don't even think about commenting or e-mailing me about how great Kutcher was in "The Butterfly Effect."

Ashton Kutcher is the guy who played "Kelso" on That 70's Show. He's the dude who jumped out of vans to tell celebrities they had just been successfully "Punk'd." He's the stoner dummy from Dude, Where's My Car?

Don't try to make him cooler than that. Be real. Have you seen his Nikon commercials? Those don't make you want to have Wile E. Coyote hide on a mountaintop and drop an anvil on his head? No? Guess it's just me.

Which bring me to my next victim...er...celebrity.

ASHTON KUTCHER

Resolutions: Go away...at least for a little bit.

Look, I'm not trying to be a hater. It's not you, Ashton. It's me.

I just think we should see other people. Actually, I just don't want to see you. I'm tired of you being in every commercial on TV. I'm tired of every news story involving you in some weird, off-putting way.

You were funny a few years ago, but it was kinda like when I got my first fart machine. Hilarious for a few days, but it got old. It became funny again, because I'm a dude and fart noises are hilarious. They just are. But I needed a break eventually.

I need a break from Ashton Kutcher. If my TV and computer had "Ashton Kutcher filters," I'd use them and turn the security level to "high."

Just for 2012. Let's give it a rest. When you come back in 2013, we'll have had time to miss you and forget you were never all that talented to begin with.

K?

Thanks bro.

J.K. ROWLING

Resolutions: Get back on the horse and write a new, wildly popular series of books that will later be made into record shattering movies.

When Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II came out and then wrapped, some fans actually cried. I liked the movies. I admittedly never read the books. My wife did. She even listened to the audiobooks. Twice. 

I had friends who admitted to having breakdowns after seeing the last movie because they knew there wouldn't be another one.

That's a little intense for me, but whatever blows your hair back.

I liked the movies, particularly the last few of them.

I'm just saying. I know you have to say you're done. It follows the script. It sounds mysterious and leaves the fans wanting more.

It's been long enough. Pick up your laptop, take a break from dressing your seven cats up like "The Order of the Phoenix" and write a new book. Make it a Harry Potter prequel. Yeah. That'd sell.

When you do, I want a finder's fee. Shoot. I'll take any kind of fee.

Good luck and Godspeed!

Do you have any Celebrity New Year's Resolutions for 2012? What are they?