How To Make Your Brain Like Rambo

If you're seeing this post, I'm either at the hospital with Kim or recovering from the birth process of our son Aidan Robert Haggerty.

Today's guest post is brought to you by Knox McCoy of KnoxMcCoy.com. Knox also writes for and runs and excellent TV-themed blog called TV Asylum. As if that wasn't enough, Mr. McCoy also is part of a brilliant podcast called "The Courtesy Laugh." He's the author of "Jesus and the Bachelorette," and I'm fortunate to count him as a friend of mine. 

Check out his blog HERE. Follow him on Twitter HERE.

Enjoy!

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Photo used courtesy of Creative Commons user Pop Culture Geek

So Kevin, your wife is with child. That's just the best. It's great. Being a parent is the best thing you'll ever do and you'll do that thing after your kid is six months old where you say, "What did we do before they were born?" And it's not a sarcastic thing. You literally won't know because of sleep deprivation, worry, concern and the rhythmically stupefying music attached to children's programming. All of those things conspire together to melt your brain. If it's working at 80% now, it will be working at 45% after the birth BEST CASE SCENARIO.

You'll answer questions like, "Do you want salt or pepper?" and you'll say strange things like, "Genghis Khan" or something. It's a strange time. It's great, but it's strange.

One Sunday night, I swear, my wife and I turned on a Praise Baby DVD because it was like cat nip to our son but in a calming way (That was a terrible example wasn't it?) and next thing I know, I'm at work and it's Wednesday and I'm talking to a customer about how dinosaur fossils were being faked or something. I felt like I was in The Hangover but for new parents. (That was another terrible analogy wasn't it? It totally doesn't work because I didn't lose anyone and we didn't steal a cop car and there wasn't a nude Asian man running about.)

BUT THE POINT REMAINS. Everyone says "Sleep while you can!" and you know what I say to that? Dumb. Why do that? You are going to soften your brain up and make it lazy and soft like a flower who sits on its flower bed and eats cheetos (Now that one wasn't awful. It was a little punny, but you've read worse, right?) and then when the baby is here, your brain is going to be fat and happy from all that sleep and it will be the worst. 

Stuffing your brain with sleep is essentially like fattening it up for slaughter. Do the contestants on The Biggest Loser go to a huge buffet in the first episode before training? I'm asking. I've never seen it but I feel like they don't because no one really loves watching fat people eat at buffets, right? I'm sorry. I'm rambling. My point? Make your brain like Rambo, Kevin. RAMBO.

KNOX'S 3 TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE YOUR BRAIN LIKE RAMBO

1. Leading up to the birth, just download a shrieking ringtone and randomly schedule it to go off three times a night. 
By the time the baby is here, you will sleep like you are a member of the Spetznaz: pacifier in one hand, bottle in the other and a disdain for yawning.

2. Have your wife carry a spray bottle around filled with a noxious concoction of expired milk, vinegar and doodoo water. 
Intermittenly, have her spray it on your chest and/or shoulder blades (frequent baby burping areas). By the time the baby arrives, you will be dodging streams of spit up like Neo in The Matrix.

3. Have a go bag stashed in your car and somewhere in the house at all times. 
Invariably, you will realize you don't have anymore wipes/diapers, or you have them, but you have no idea where and finding them while a baby is crying is like finding a needle in haystack made of hay that looks like needles while the horse is shrieking in your ear.

Do these things and maybe you'll be able to remember what life was like before your baby was born. But it really won't matter because you won't care anymore. All  that stuff will seem trivial in comparison to your life now. And that's a great thing.

Three Things That Embarrass Me

I gotta be honest with you guys. I do some really dumb stuff. I try to be cool, but sometimes, I fail miserably.

Today, I'm sharing three things that embarrass me right into the "facepalm" position. Hopefully, it will be good for group healing. If nothing else, you can make fun of me and the world will be better for it.

So here goes nothin':

1) I recently started watching The Bachelorette. I didn't want to. I've avoided those shows for years. But after seeing Knox McCoy's tweets and recaps, I got lured in. I watched the first two episodes on Hulu, then watched the last two episodes, Live, on TV. I'm sucked in. I just can't help it. When you put that amount of dumb and douchey people together, I'm held hostage with no other choice but to watch. Seriously, you guys.

2) I bite my nails. It's terrible. I bite them until they're down to cuticles, and then I bite some more. They bleed occasionally, and the whole process annoys the heck out of my wife. I just do it all the time and don't even think about it. I know it's awful. It is what it is.

3) I've gotten massively out of shape over the past year. Within the past twelve months, I've gained about 20 pounds, and am athletically incapable of just about everything. Today, I got back on a workout routine and it KICKED...MY...BUTT. I didn't even do that much, but compared to the "nothing" I'd been doing, it was a big upgrade. I'm committing to this. It's got to become part of my life again.


What are three things that embarrass you right now?

Guest Post by Knox McCoy: 'Why I believe in Aliens'

I'm not gonna take a long time to explain who Knox McCoy is. If you have an internet-capable computer or mobile device, you probably see his name multiple times a day.

Knox runs and writes for knoxmccoy.com, themybadproject.com and tvasylum.com. That's what you do know.

Here are some things you may not know:

• Knox really enjoys a good danish. Doesn't matter what time it is. Especially cheese. 
• Knox once beat a man within an inch of his life using a strawberry fruit roll-up.
• Before he pursued a career as a writer, Knox was an award-winning ballroom dancer.
• Knox is fatally allergic to Axe body spray.

Here is Knox's guest post on extraterrestrial beings. I hope you enjoy it. Knox told me himself that he worked extra hard on this one!

Book Review: Knox McCoy's Manifesto about Manifestos

I don't do a lot of book reviews or product suggestions. This is for two reasons:

1) It's always been a goal of mine not to spam you to death. I like you guys. Don't get a big head.

and

2) I admittedly have been out of the "reading" game for some time now. I like TV. It has pictures and sounds. I'm easily fixated that way. 

Only recently have I been lured back into reading and it has been due largely in part to e-books. I stumbled across one in particular this past week that I felt was well worth passing along to you guys.

Knox McCoy is a blogger who writes one of my favorite blogs on the interwebs. His "Monday Meatloaf" posts are some of my favorite blog posts anywhere. He also writes weekly recaps of "The Walking Dead" that fans of the show (and humor) will love. 

Mr. McCoy already has one book called Jesus and the Bachelorette that you should buy right away.

His latest offering is called "A Manifesto About Manifestos: A Manifesto." As a blogger who enjoys sarcasm and satire, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this book. If you've ever read a blogger's manifesto, you will be able to appreciate the jabs given and shots taken. It's written in a way that gets the jaded cynicism across without being over-the-top mean.

I enjoyed it from top to bottom. It's free, it's not a long read and it's hilarious. 

So how do you get it?

All you have to do is click THIS LINK, read the post, then join Knox's email list. You'll get the book in .pdf format as a link in your email...totally free.

You won't regret it.

Any other e-books you'd recommend? 

TheIsleofMan.Net Interview: 'Knox McCoy from KnoxMcCoy.com'

Knox McCoy is an accomplished writer, husband, father and appreciator of popular culture. If you've not check out his website, www.knoxmccoy.com, your computer has not properly been used yet. He is the author of the book, "Jesus and the Bachelorette." If you haven't read it, check it out HERE. Knox was kind enough to take time out of his hectic schedule to answer questions about reality TV, the "Kobe vs. Lebron" debate and many other topics that will surely affect your life in a permanent and important manner.

I know, I know. Less talk, more rock.

Here it is.